chronicles of the fall*

Blog, a vulgar, overused word used to give legitimacy to the shallow opinions of hacks and amateurs who seem to be permanently stuck in first draft hell. Looking in the archives one would expect someone who has been at it for years to slowly hone their craft and improve their writing and photographs, since it’s usually safe to assume that if someone does something long enough, he or she will eventually not suck at it.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.

Join me as I re-create and often times over-exaggerate select stories from my life, frustratingly omitting most of the good stuff and all of the names.

*The following is 85% a true story

8AM LA time

In New York this morning, it was 8am LA time and I could be there by this evening said the girl on the airline line.  So I bought that ticket, and I got in that cab but I didn’t make it to the airport like that.

there’s no app for that

I theorized that if you are touching down in New Jersey on a Sunday,  3,000 miles from home and less than half way through an exhausting four month “business trip”, this may not be best of weeks.  Monday saw someone step on my laptop, obliterating the screen and cementing my theory  (get it?  New Jersey…cement)

 There’s no app for that

 

First Aid Kit

On the surface  First Aid Kit won most of my imaginary least likely musical superlatives based on the superficial fact that they are:   A) Teenage sisters  B)  From Sweden  C) Labeled a”Country” music act  D) Unimaginatively generic sounding band name

It took reading a couple of impressive album reviews written by independent music publications that have rarely been wrong (Under the Radar, Pitchfork) and ultimately falling in love with their vintage album cover art to convince me to hit play.

Click on image for a brief sample

The record reviews were spot on, these girls are selling laid-back pastoral whimsy seventies-inspired folk, devastating ballads and watertight melodies to a musicscape poisoned by the pollution of Lady Gaga.

I listened to the entire album front to back ten times in a row, each time picking a new favorite song – I imagining how it might have felt to hear an advance copy of the Carole King classic ‘Tapestry” and knowing… JUST KNOWING the impact it would have  …wishing that you could hold on to the secret just a bit longer.

“The Lion’s Roar” can be purchased on January 24th

would you like you if you met you?

give your power over to no one – fight for what matters   •   find ways to cheat the system, just don’t cheat people – remain skeptical forever   •    learn to really listen - the best conversations are not planned or scripted and are side by side not in front of the other   •   survive on a little just to prove you can do it – starve if you have to, far as long as you need to   •   know that all pain is temporary, this affects all of your decisions – don’t take anything personally, ever   •   examine everything – your jealousy, your anger, your frustration and you’ll learn a lot about yourself – don’t examine the mirror, vanity is incapable of depth(love)   •   Courage is a learned skill - get used to feeling stupid, it’s a sign of growth, learn something from everyone 

-

would you like you if you met you?  • learn how to swim

A Karmatic Violation

I’m often told, “Only you Dan, that would only happen to you” – well, tonight I found myself saying the same exact same thing to myself.

I arrived home last night at 1AM.  Having not slept in my bed for 28 of the past 30 nights there was a great feeling of relief and anticipation as I walked up the stairs to my room.  I opened the door and was greeted by an odd blue flickering light …I muttered aloud “Oh what the hell”  directed at my own stupidity for having left my computer monitor on for so long -  Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

My self-flagellation woke an unexpected young female sleeping in my bed.  Reciprocating my surprise, she sprung up..naked and profusely “Oh no, I’m sorry, Oh… I’m sorry I’m sorry, Oh crap,  I’m just  so..”

“Wha…. Huh….“  There were no words – The space was a mess, floor  littered with clothes, empty bottles and smell of wet dog – despite having a naked stranger in my room I felt shame for having left the place in such ruins.

Wait a minute, these are not my clothes – These are panties, bras, hairdryers, etc.

She was talking fast saying the same thing, “Oh I am so embarrassed, I am sorry, I am so sorry”.  I was in a daze, reacting far too casually,  I wheeled my luggage over into my closet, and began to remove and sort my dirty laundry from inside my the suitcases I actually heard myself say, “It’s OK, really….don’t worry about it”.

This was all so surreal, every where I looked I could recognize my things but they were out of place, and co-mingled with her shit – her shit was everywhere! So much of it!  WHO WAS SHE?

“HEY! so… WHAT’S GOING ON?”

She was now wearing a long shirt – MY LONG SHIRT, still apologizing and gradually introducing new information.  Her name was Bridgette, she is 24, and is my new housemate who moved in right as I was leaving “….remember you waved to me and said “Hey” that one time”:  and that she works at Trader Joe’s – where she gets a 10% employee discount, which we both agreed was a bit stingy.

Bridgette apparently asked where’s the guy with the Saab and since no one seemed to know where I went or when I might return so she took it upon herself to start watching Netflix in my room at night (because she didn’t have a TV), began sleeping in my bed, enjoyed a couple hot tubs (both solo and with friends, “I hope you don’t mind I had a couple of people over for New Years”), burned my soy candles to the nub and shaved her legs in my shower. However she had no idea why there might be an empty bottle of honey flavored Jack Daniels  in my shoe rack.

I was numb – not yet angry, not yet violated, perhaps a little bit disappointed as I began to realize that this was really happening – in a I’m going to have to clean this all up myself sort of way not in a swanky Penthouse Letters sort of way.

My thoughts as I drifted to sleep were empathetic.  I felt a kinship with women who come home early from a trip only to find a naked woman sleeping in their bed.

The bright side of this fiasco is that it brings closure to the great Netflix mystery.  Over the past couple of months each time I’ve logged in to Netflix there have been a glut of shitty movies showing up in my “Recently Watched List” for the life of me I could not remember watching three full seasons of That 70′s Show.

Hegemony

I proudly admit to being politically agnostic, intentionally unaware of candidates, primary results and congressional stalemates – so right off the bat my opinion carries no weight (or maybe I’m a liberal or a socialist) however doesn’t it seem like drastically cutting the Pentagon’s budget might not be the worst idea?

Even if you don’t agree with the sentiment, at least you’ve learned a new word.

Hegemony is an indirect form of imperial dominance in which the hegemon (leader state) rules sub-ordinate states by the implied means of power rather than direct military force.

Thisfunctional

A ten song thirty-eight minute, Carpe that fucking Diem, music mix

click to download

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

Can you see the real me?

I started this blog in 2008 as a means to update family and friends while I was away on tour – The audience was intimate and my writing was personal, embarrassingly so at times.

Chicken or the egg: Sometime in year two the content of the posts took on a persona (*85% true) and the audience doubled, tripled… People I’ve never met / people from other countries began to read, comment and subscribe – this proved to be both flattering and paralyzing.

In 2011 Chronicles of the Fall had hundreds of viewers per day, thousands per month – this extremely relative popularity (went to/messed with) my head. Now before I click “Publish” I stop to consider the content, consider the audience, consider the consequence – often times I end up saving and re-working drafts until I am so over myself that I end up deleting the entire thing.

If I were to be completely honest instead of just the usual 85%, I’d confess that the constant editing and self-censorship makes me feel like an aimless phoney.  This reflection provided inspiration for the following post.

Last night I checked into the Hyatt Place hotel – in the morning I found my room in the exact same condition as every other space that I occupy by myself for eight or more hours.  I refer to it as “signature sloppy” and this my friends is 100% true.

People, this is good science!

Unless you are Harold or Maude or if you simply don’t mind being referred to as a “Fossil Fucker”, consider using this incredibly useful graph to answer the delicate “Do you think he/she is a bit too old/young for me to be dating” question.

 

Conveniently pre-sized to be used as your iPhone wallpaper

but I’m doing it again

no more sleeping nest made of blankets (hold your pillow) – no more lights on when I get home (turn the TV on before you leave, there’ll be voices when you return) – And no, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it again

Photofunia

Free website / app – You provide the image, they bring the magic

Click image to visit site

les voix

You know that ringing sound you perceive when you are in a very quiet area? Some people say this is an auditory-illusion brought about by the ear’s inability to detect frequencies below the threshold of the human senses. This is completely wrong. The ringing covers up something else altogether.

If you are quick, patient, and maybe a little lucky, you will be able to hear past the ringing. What you will hear are voices whispering to each other. They will silence themselves quickly but with practice, you will become more adept at catching and interpreting what they are saying. You will hear things of the past, the present, and the future. However, you must be careful. Because there is no such thing as a voice without a body.

And when you start noticing them, they will start noticing you.

Boarding Group A

Boarding Group A, Boarding Position 01 – Do you have any idea what that means?  It means you get to board the plane first, before the old, the handicapped, the families with small children or those who may need additional assistance.

I learned of my fortunate boarding position fourteen hours before boarding my flight – this was a time marked with optimism and high hopes.  Hell, I even took a photo of my goddamn boarding pass.

I arrived to the airport with time to spare and a swagger in my step.  Playing the part of the elitist I did not bother to crowd into the numbered line-up with the rest of the herd assuming that there would be many per-board announcements and warnings, there were not.   I was in the nearby newsstand when I heard “We are now boarding Group A, 1-15″

“WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON, I’m number one”  Lacking both swagger and self-respect I yelled and pushed my way to the front of the line, holding my boarding pass up like a Spartan shield in the movie “300″, rudely cutting through a sea of the patient passengers in groups B and C.

I made it to the front of the line just as the line began to shuffle towards the jetway.  I handed my prized boarding pass to the agent just as a call came over the radio and an announcement was made that it would be just another couple of moments before boarding could begin.  No joke, I actually heard someone say “Did you see that guy?  Whatta dick”

I was indeed the first passenger to board that evening however what I neglected to factor in was that not every flight begins the boarding process with an empty cabin, this is especially true of flights leaving from tertiary markets in the mid-west…late in the day.

This is what broken dreams look like

Still alive somewhere in America

Still alive somewhere in America after a long blog break

Welcomed the new year  in San Diego’s Gas Lamp District.

San Diego is a fantastic city, clean, bright, friendly, fantastic restaurants.  My first meal of 2012 was brunch at the Knotty Barrel where I ordered Deep Fried Twinkies (as a joke) and have not stopped talking about them since (perhaps a sign that I have been on the road too long)

 

 

 

Five fathers

Five Fathers:  Meaning: You have five fathers, i.e., your mother is a whore

Most offensive in:  Arab countries, Caribbean

This clever little gesture is considered to be the most inflammatory hand gesture in the Arab world, this sign accuses the subject’s mother of having so many suitors that paternity is impossible to determine.  The insult is is extreme and almost certain to provoke violence (and deportation).

 

SFO in sight, I’ll be here soon

Wal-Mart posted record Black Friday sales

click for more satirical art by Paul Kuczynski

Holiday Challenge

I plan on conducting a social experiment this month, I intend to ignore the “Christmas” holiday.

Christmas joy has completely escaped me over the past several years.  Rather then enduring the holiday process only to find myself once again feeling depressed or isolated, I’ve chosen to examine and challenge my beliefs.

Reasons why I’m choosing to ignore the Holiday 

1) It is a religious holiday, I am not religious

2) It is a a children’s holiday, I am not a child or a parent

3) The divisive and ultimately pointless “Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holiday Debate”  including the idiot who mentions Kwanza, because they still think its funny – it isn’t funny!  it’s tired!

4) Capitalism, in particular Black Friday Doorbusters, the high holiday of all things greedy.  Corporations use every trick they have to turn a profit and millions of people stand in long lines to dutifully swallow the punch

 

Things which I do enjoy about this time of year and plan to continuing enjoying:  The original Charlie Brown Christmas, an understated Christmas tree, the tasteful use of white lights outside of a home, the concept of caroling and the song “It’s Christmas, Baby Please Come Home”, which just about breaks my heart every time I hear it.

 

the last thing I needed first thing this morning

In my late twenties I underwent a series of mental/psychological tests which demonstrated to a team of specialists what I already knew, I am not very bright – or at least as bright as I thought I could be – hearing the words “has the math skills of a fifth grader” cemented it.  I was diagnosed with Adult ADD and given a prescription to Adderall. a medication which has had a profound effect on my life.

The only problem with Adderall is maintaining an ample supply of it.  The drug is classified as a controlled substance, meaning that legally you can only be provided 30 days of medicine at a time, at which time you are requited to have a Doctor write a new script, hand deliver the script to the pharmacy, show your drivers license, sign additional waivers etc…  There are no refills, nothing can be faxed, phoned in or mailed.  Some states add additional hoops (yes you ILLINOIS) which mandates that a local physician write the script.

I don’t own a watch and oftentimes am knowingly unaware of the timezone or day of the week but I am acutely aware of when my bottle will be empty and which elaborately planned scheme will fill it back up.  My profession requires constant (occasionally unscripted) travel.  In the past eight years obtaining my legally prescribed medicine in accordance with FDA regulations has cost me thousands of dollars (flights, out-of-state doctors appointments, couriers, etc).

This morning my bottle went empty, I’d done the math prior to flying home  and procured a prescription from my Primary Care, convincing her to date it in accordance with Massachusetts standards.  The first pharmacy did not have Adderall in stock,  I called another, a third, ten more…  no one had it.  One Pharmacist told me it was on back-order, another said there had been a drug recall, a third told me that they drug had been outlawed.   A google search confirmed that there was in fact a massive nationwide shortage of Adderall and it was expected to continue for the next few months -  bureaucratic red tape with the FDA and the drug companies.

Over a dozen phone calls netted a Mom & Pop pharmacy about 40 miles away who were able to fill a portion of my prescription for $410 (normally it cost $10 with my insurance ).

Dear FDA, Thank you EVER so much for making it impossible for me to get the drug that’s allowed me to keep my job and earn a living for the past few years. As the saying goes, the scariest words in the English language are “We’re from the government, and we’re here to help you”.  I’d keep a chart showing my productivity decline once my prescription runs out… but I’d never actually get around to it and it would be done very sloppily and inaccurately, because “incomplete” and “badly done” is pretty much all I can manage without it.

end of year, maimone mixtake

Click HERE or on the image below to download the end of year mixtake

Click to download for free on mediafire

thankful for disregarding my destiny

Traveling is like flirting with life. It’s like saying, ‘I would stay and love you, but I have to go” – Lisa St. Aubin de Teran

For years I believed that this beautiful quote was my bittersweet destiny.  I am thankful for outgrowing it, thankful for choosing to stay.

 

E. Pluribus Unum

Did you know that the de facto motto of the Unites States was E. Pluribus Unum (Out of Many, One)?  Congress changed it 174 years later (1956) to “In God We Trust”.   In 1957 “In God We Trust” appeared on all paper currency.

A couple of years earlier in 1954 this same Congress added the words “Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance (originally written in 1892 by a Baptist Minister who DID NOT INCLUDE the words “Under God”)

Some of our nations more uncomfortable experiments of combining church and state were passed into law by the very same congress whose members included Joseph McCarthy (McCarthyism) and embarrassing missteps included: House of Un-American Activities Committee, Hollywood Blacklists and associated witch hunts.

Namedropping “The Oatmeal”

I frequently borrow ideas and inspiration from a sharp witted Seattle artist known as “The Oatmeal”    We go way back to the days when I briefly published a small town tabloid for teens and “The Oatmeal” (known to us as Greg) was a hungry amateur,  submitting articles and drawings with hopes of being published.

I subscribed to Greg’s newsletter and watched as he honed his sarcasm into hilarity, completely unaware that he was becoming somewhat well known until a friend quoted something from “The Oatmeal” which immediately sent me into a manic namedropping mode – which I always assume will impress people but ends up making me seem like a pathetic behind the scenes wannabe starfucker (see the recent U2 post where I mentioned knowing the guys in the band).

Long story short, technically speaking Yes, I suppose that it would be accurate to say I am the one who gave “The Oatmeal” his first big break

 

not everything is epic, shitheads

The word “epic” is one of the most misused and overused filler words in the English language.  Here are examples of its misuse on Facebook and Twitter

 

 

If you have used the word out of context, which means any time since 2008, you should stop whatever it is you’re doing and start plowing fields, because you lack the ability to form language that doesn’t involve mimicking others, and are therefore a cow.

 

Mom is an AUTO EVERYTHING Pro Photographer

The slippery slope of becoming a wannabe “Pro Photographer” that starts with the rule of 1 in 1,000

With the advent of digital SLR cameras for under $500 every mom with a camera takes 1,000 pictures of their child, 1 of those pictures is pretty good and when shown to a friend or family member she hears the golden words “that shot is great…you have a real knack for photography” and so the journey begins.

Without any inkling of ISO, shutter speed, aperture, color balance, lighting, composition…any thought at all (AUTO EVERYTHING) mom thinks she has actual talent.

Through the marketing avenues of friends she books a few gigs shooting babies on bedsheets with gerber daisies, wearing funny hats, hanging in cheese cloth, hands shaped in the form of hearts on expecting bellies, bad lighting, composition and exposure, but the ability to “sell it as art” since she’s now a pro shooter.

The CAMERA SIM website that allows you to practice taking shots in different conditions, adjusting the various manual settings to give you an idea of how your professional camera actually works.

november soon

Sonic evidence of my new found optimism can be found on this eight song collection titled november soon.  Click here or on the image below to download.

 

click to download

 

 

Like a Turkey, murdered and stuffed (UPDATED)

Generally I don”t publicly post blog comments, however in this instance I am willing to make an exception.  An anonymous DanFan sent me the following message:

On account of the whole being murdered thing I ‘d never be able to witness this macabre spectacle first hand so I have created a rendering of how it may appear prior to my corpse’s daily dusting.

- – - – - -

UPDATED NOVEMBER 13, 2011

Apparently my comic response to an murderous threat was poorly received by my anonymous admirer.  She’s responded with some advice on how to best manage her going forward

Queer as a 3 Dollar Coin

I must have looked like a desperate crazed drug addict frantically tearing apart my home looking for a fix.   Every drawer tossed, every underneath checked.  This was about 12 hours into my ordeal.

Over the last few days an undefined notion had been rattling around in and out of my sub-brain,  masquerading as persistent déjà vu or maybe even a side effect from some medication.  I was at the Jack in the Box drive-thru ordering breakfast digging for exact change when it all came rushing to the forefront – I’VE  BEEN THINKING ABOUT A $3 COIN – its so clear now -  I had held it, studied it, marveled at its weight and flipped it a dozen times

However the accomplishment of solving my déjà vu was short lived… WTF a $3 coin, this is sort of a big deal, why isn’t this on the news?  Was it real or part of a vivid/lucid dream?  I’ve studied lucid dreaming enough to know that the key determinations as to whether you are awake or dreaming is if you can see numbers, apparently no one can see numbers in their dreams.  The fact that I knew it the coins denomination triggered what would become knows as “The Great Freakout of 2011″

I couldn’t recall specifically when or where I was given the coin or where the coin had gone, I certainly would not have had the balls to try and buy something with it.  I made a couple of calls that went like this “Hey, have you seen those new $3 coins? …really….there’s no such thing?  are you sure?  OK, well never mind“.  No joke, I even called a local bank.

I wrote off my advisers as small minded and ill informed, confident that Google would have my back..   5, 10, 20 pages deep and nothing whatsoever in Google about a $3 coin in active circulation.  I suck at math maybe it was a $2 coin, or perhaps maybe $4…. that’s a mistake I could have made but again I found nothing.

I’d shown a friend the coin, it sparked a conversation about $2 bills, surely he’d remember, when  I called to confirm existence… “….sorry dude, no idea whatchyour talkin about” – this is when the story gets murky

OK, get a grip Daniel…no big deal, so  you imagined a coin,  you’ve got a colorful imagination, it’s not a great leap to think that you are now entertaining yourself with elaborate fabrications, unless of course maybe its the early stages of dementia or schizophrenic, hold on …Aren’t men prone to schizophrenia in their mid 30′s?  You cannot be a schizophrenic!  That involves being a burden on others and seeing that you’ve alienated virtually anyone who might give a shit if you took your meds or not that leaves suicide….but how would I do it?  Should I wait until the symptoms get worse?  That coin was pretty goddamn real… how much more proof do you need?

I took a break from my “Ways to  kill yourself” Google searches and did a search for “Counterfeit Coins in Northern California”.  A couple of pages deep I found an article about some hippie community group who pressed a small run of $3 coins, accepted by 17 small business’s in Marin County.   I received the coin as change at a farmers market, I  remember the girl asking if I wanted bills or a $3 coin… easy choice “give me the coin!’ mesmerized by this gigantic gold coin I apparently blocked out any instruction she gave as to how to properly use it.

The coin is now lost… this is neither a surprise or a mystery.

Achtung Baby turns twenty

Any time that an artist, or more likely a record label, re-releases an album as a “Special Anniversary Edition” with “Re-mastered Tracks”and “Never Before Heard Outtakes”, etc” (think: Pink Floyd) I see it as nothing more than a money grab, a business decision which lacks artistic integrity, picking the bones of  a dinosaur artist.

Same as magic trick loses its allure once you know how its executed, the original sentiment once held for a songs gets diluted and eroded with multiple versions of early demos and rough mixes presented as “never released material”.   Most artists spends months in the studio recording each album resulting in hundreds of hours of discarded takes, just because the label saved the tapes does not mean they have to use them or that anyone outside of extreme fans will care about them …on top of that if the artist truly wanted the material released I think they would have done so when they were still relevant.  Personally I would not want my rough drafts made public, would you?

I’m too stubbornly (often annoyingly) principled to partake in these special editions, however if you can excuse the fact that its a corporate, not an artistic exercise , you begin to appreciate the process.  It’s always been the youth who drive music sales – if you are over 30 just take a look at the Top 40 and you’ll see what I mean -factor in that everyone under 30 knows how to download any song or album for free it makes perfect business sense to re-package a proven familiar product and market it to those who can actually afford to buy it and/or don’t know how to steal it.

So, U2… easily the biggest, most successful and most inflated music machine the world has known re-released their 1991 classic Achtung Baby in typical bloated special edition multi-disc fashion.  This is common practice for artists who stopped releasing vital music – But what was the motivation here?  U2 doesn’t need money…. out of curiosity I downloaded it (free of course) and was prepared to hate it.  For some reason (actually for no good reason) my default initial reaction towards U2 (and Dave Matthews) is cynical and negative – this despite enjoying their albums and their live shows NOT TO MENTION that I’ve actually met these guys, our company has been working on U2 tours for years….. none of this changed the fact that I started listening with a sense of obligation as if I’d been assigned the task of writing an article painting them as greedy corporate megamonsters (should be noted that I am not writing this as an assignment, nor does anyone hire me, request, pay for or care about my music reviews….)

Admittedly I skipped around a bit (its five discs and I saw a squirrel) but for the most part I think I understand why U2 would have re-released this collection – its brilliant!  I remembered that I loved these songs, almost all of them,  two in particular would easily be included in my all-time personal Top 20 (again, if anyone requested or cared about my personal Top 20).  There is one disc called “Baby” which is the entire album performed in its natural guitar/bass/drums/vocals format – free of the heavy distortion effects which ultimately led to this albums success.  I found myself appreciating the album as well as the band on an entirely new level.

I’ve read that if you actually purchase this boxed set (not sure of the price or where you can music) stickers, sunglasses and some other crap are included – which would re-reinforce my initial theory on these re-released projects – however in this instance I am going to allow for three things…  1) ignorance to be bliss  2) U2 to be the exception of my “detest and/or ignore everything popular stance”   3) The idea that sometimes the beauty can be better appreciated if you get a glimpse behind the curtain 

It’s no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest
It’s no secret ambition bites the nails of success
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief
All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief

Dear Future Me

FutureMe.org – A free web tool for those who agree that memories are less accurate than e-mails.  Usually, it’s the future that will reflect back on the present.  FutureMe  flips that all around.  Send yourself a message to be delivered at any time in the future to the future you.

This particular future message arrived too late